The Relationship Before the Conversation

One of the simplest things I learnt as an educator was this:

Don’t wait until there’s a problem to build a relationship with a family.

Start when things are going well.

Say hello.

Tell them something specific their child did that day.

Remember something they told you yesterday.

Give them a little glimpse into the part of their child’s life they don’t get to see.

Because eventually, you’re going to need to have a harder conversation.

And that conversation is very different when there’s already a relationship behind it.

I think some of the most important conversations we have with families happen long before anything has gone wrong.

What does a parent usually hear from you at pick up?

Do they mostly hear from you when there’s been an incident?

Would they feel comfortable asking you a difficult question?

And would you feel comfortable answering it?

This matters because working with families isn’t separate from working with children.

It’s part of the same job.

It’s easy to think of family communication as something we do when there’s information to pass on.

But the little conversations matter.

A hello in the morning.

A quick story at pick up.

Remembering that Grandma was visiting on the weekend and asking how it went.

None of those conversations feels particularly important at the time.

Together, they build trust.

“How was his day?”

“He had a good day.”

I’ve said it. Most educators have.

The problem is that it doesn’t tell a parent very much.

Compare it with:

“He spent nearly twenty minutes building this enormous tower with Fred today. He called it his ‘massive castle’ and was very proud of it.”

It takes about the same amount of time.

But now that parent has seen a tiny part of their child’s day.

That matters.

We can make this harder than it needs to be.

You don’t need to give every family a detailed learning story at the door.

Sometimes it’s one sentence.

“Ella helped another child find their hat today.”

“Jackson finally got across those monkey bars he’s been working on.”

“Amelia made me laugh this morning when she told me…”

Small things tell families something important:

I noticed your child today.

Relationships go both ways.

If a parent tells you their child is seeing their cousins that night, remember it.

Ask about it tomorrow.

If they tell you their child was awake half the night, check in later.

If they mention something their child is excited about, bring it into a conversation with the child.

It sounds simple because it is.

But being remembered makes people feel known.

A photo can be much more than documentation.

It can give you something concrete to talk about.

Instead of:

“She had a great day.”

You can say:

“Have a look at what she was doing here.”

Suddenly the conversation is about something real.

And often the child joins in too.

One educator shouldn’t be the only person who can have a meaningful conversation with a family.

Families should feel known by the team.

That means sharing the little things.

Who had a rough drop off.

Whose family has something significant happening.

Who achieved something they’ve been working towards.

It helps us give families a much more connected experience.

Eventually something happens.

A child bites another child.

A parent is concerned about their child’s development.

Something happened during the day that needs to be explained.

A family disagrees with how something was handled.

These conversations are part of the job.

And they can be uncomfortable.

Imagine telling a parent their child has bitten someone when the only previous conversations you’ve had are:

“Morning.”

“See you tomorrow.”

“He had a good day.”

Now imagine having exactly the same conversation with a parent you speak to regularly.

They know you.

They know you notice their child.

They’ve heard the good things from you too.

That doesn’t mean they won’t be upset.

It doesn’t mean they’ll agree with everything you say.

But you’re starting the conversation from a very different place.

Parents don’t expect educators to control every second of every day.

Children will disagree.

They’ll fall over.

They’ll bite.

They’ll make mistakes.

What families need to know is that somebody was paying attention.

What did you see?

What did you do?

What are you watching for now?

That gives a parent something much more useful than an apology on its own.

Sometimes a parent asks a question and you simply don’t have the answer yet.

That’s okay.

You can say:

“That’s a fair question. I want to give you a proper answer rather than a rushed one. Let me check and come back to you tomorrow.”

That isn’t avoiding the conversation.

It’s treating it seriously.

Good communication with families isn’t really about being good at difficult conversations.

It’s about all the ordinary conversations that came before them.

Build the relationship when things are easy.

Notice their child.

Share the little things.

Remember what families tell you.

Then, when you do need to have a harder conversation, you’re not starting from zero.

Choose one family you don’t normally speak to very much.

At pick up, instead of saying their child had a good day, tell them one specific thing you noticed their child do.

That’s it.

See what happens to the conversation.

I’ve also created a free 3 minute Confident Educator Check based on 12 real situations educators face.

You’ll get a score across six areas of practice, plus three practical strategies for the area you’d most benefit from working on.

⁠Take the Confident Educator Check →

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